Celibate Pyre

Reflections on homosexuality, celibacy, and spirituality

Art by Zdzislaw Beksinski

How should a homosexual approach spirituality?

It’s a question that’s largely irrelevant to most of society. Yet, for someone such as myself, it is one that has been rattling around my mind for years. While the numbers are hazy, perhaps only 4% of the global population experiences pronounced same-sex attraction¹. Such a life comes with far more obstacles than one might think, be it the desperate craving for unholy intimacy, the stress of being closeted, or the seductive whisper of suicide. In our modern Western society, homosexuals are seemingly everywhere—no thanks to leftists—yet have little information on how to live a healthy life. Most often, we are granted one of two options: be repressed and burdened by shame or be hedonistic and libertine.

Yet both of these solutions are harmful and not what God intended for us. Instead, I propose that homosexuals embrace a hidden third option: death. Not a physical death but an ego death. We must cast off earthly temptations and embrace a life of celibacy, with God as the lover and master who will lead our souls to divinity.

“For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.”

Matthew 19:12

Perhaps the best place to start is to address the foundational issue: homosexual actions are a sin². That is, it is something that lies outside of the Divine Order and what the Most High intended for mankind. This isn’t because homosexuals are hell-bound monsters and perverts, but because sexuality was meant to be a sacred, procreative force. The God of the Universe made humans to be procreative in all things, in fact. We were made to build, not destroy, or idly waste time. Homosexuality is an idle action, at best, as it does not create life nor even have the possibility of creating new life. Only heterosexuality can do that.

Going one step further, men and women were made to complement one another. Our universe is made up of polarities—light/day, up/down, masculine/feminine, etc.—and the unification of these polarities allows us to achieve peace and harmony. We achieve internal, personal harmony by unifying our masculine and feminine traits, and externally, societal harmony is achieved when men and women are joined together in constructive bonds. The highest unification of men and women is through intercourse.

The principle of polarities when combined with the procreative abilities of mankind explains why intercourse within the bounds of opposite-sex marriage is exalted above all other forms of intimacy: it unifies the external polarities of male and female in the form of a dedicated bond to potentially create new life for the species to continue. Even if the couple cannot have children, the intimacy they share still falls within the bounds of a system that was designed to be procreative. Extramarital affairs, polyamory, and—above all—homosexuality do not follow this system.

While a homosexual may achieve an internal balance of masculine/feminine traits, the pursuit and engagement of same-sex intimacy disrupts the external balance and the only reward is an idle action that is useless in the eyes of the Divine.

All of this I have discovered, meditated on, and have come to accept over several, grueling years.

For me, news of my same-sex attraction came all of a sudden. I was twelve, doe-eyed, innocent, and spiritually naive. I was blissfully ignorant of the desires lurking in my heart until, one day, they made themselves known. In a split second, my world was destroyed and rearranged into something I had never imagined for myself. I went through something akin to the five stages of grief³ almost weekly, wracked with confusion and anxiety that I could not share with anyone else. “Being closeted” was an unnecessarily difficult skill to master. Every day was a carefully managed lie. Many days, I was stressed and afraid to the point where I could not breathe without crushing chest pains. In my suffering, I began to believe God had abandoned me or was even punishing me for some unknown offense. I grew increasingly bitter, withdrawn, and snide as a result. (Though looking back, perhaps it wasn’t God I hated, but myself.)

Turns out, I wasn’t alone. As I’d later come to learn, gay youth—closeted or not—are commonly afflicted by anxiety and self-doubt. This is because we know that something is fundamentally off with us; something that cannot easily be changed nor hidden; something ideological zealots only see as a tool to use for personal gain.

Crises of faith are common in the teen years, yet for homosexual youth, perhaps even more so. How does one embrace God while knowing that the pleasure they crave is sin? It’s a crisis tainted with self-loathing and suicidality, leaving many of us wondering if it’d be better to take our own lives than to suffer. (Here we see the inklings of the death our souls crave, yet due to the pride of the ego is warped into something malicious.) Many nights I wondered if my heart was marked by evil from the start. For years, I stumbled through patterns of fear, depression, uncontrolled indulgence, and back again until I slowly began to see myself as some sort of demon, forever locked out of Heaven with no way to return.

But I wanted to return. So do many others. In reading first-hand testimonies from other homosexuals, I’ve found there is a secret yearning to return to the God of Gods that the world has made us feel so alienated from. This desire has been only confirmed numerous times by same-sex attracted peers of mine. In moments of weakness, they have confided that they ache for God’s comfort. Yet they fear total surrender to the divine because of shame and guilt. Until recently, I was the same.

This guilt and shame are a burden that was put there by earthly deceivers. For centuries, false preachers have taught that homosexuals are inherently evil, that we are devils by nature, who will burn in hell while the angels cheer. Sexual deviants have then used these false teachings to fuel their arguments for hedonism and have made entire fortunes on seducing homosexual youth away from the Most High. In the end, we are left more confused than before, heads swimming with earthly delusions.

In the chaos, I tried searching for answers. Yet, I was quickly discouraged. With homosexuals being a tiny fraction of the human population, there are few academic resources to act as relevant guides. The biology is murky, the neuroscience is hazy, the psychology is Freudian, and the history is self-aggrandizing. I read every academic text and paper I could get my hands on but was often dissatisfied. Most roads led to nowhere. Some recommended sexual indulgence while others flippantly mentioned repression and quickly moved on. Tired, I dove into the realm of spirituality but found even fewer answers when it came to the topic of co-existing with my desires.

I was growing disillusioned and restless. I was close to concluding I was, in fact, a lost cause, until one day I came across the story of Fr. Seraphim Rose.

Fr. Seraphim Rose (1934 - 1982)

Born Eugene Dennis Rose in 1930s America, he was by all accounts a talented and intelligent man. Throughout grade school and college, Rose excelled in seemingly everything—be it scientific study, repairs, athletics, or foreign languages. As a young man, Rose was openly homosexual and in a relationship with a classmate who shared his love for arts and culture. Yet Rose felt as though something was missing from his life. He searched for answers in a myriad of Far-Eastern Asian philosophies and faiths, even studying under the famed Alan Watts. But Rose soon found the world of Oriental spirituality to be unfulfilling. Unfortunately, he abandoned his search for the Divine altogether for complete atheism. He developed an alcohol addiction, cursing God in his drunken stupors, feeling crushed by the weight of the world. Yet, one day, Rose—perhaps at the suggestion of his lover—wandered into an Orthodox church. From then on, his life changed drastically. He immersed himself in Orthodoxy, converted in a few short years, and became celibate, leaving his lover behind in favor of the love of God. Seraphim Rose would later become a hieromonk and renowned ascetic; and though he reposed at 48 in 1982, his memory lives on as he is respected and glorified throughout the world today.

In my weariness, I discovered Seraphim Rose—ironically—through the comment section of an Alan Watts lecture. Intrigued by such a beautiful name, I read about his life and was captivated. For the first time, I had discovered evidence of a homosexual who was celibate and fulfilled. Impossible, I thought. How could such a man have existed? With a bit of hesitation and suspicion, I decided to look into this strange, mystical world of Orthodox Christianity. Therein lay my answer: I had to embrace a death to self.

I realized that the only way to live with my same-sex attraction was not to act like it didn’t exist or indulge in every desire, but to sacrifice it and the ego that kept me paralyzed by fear. I had to offer up the yearnings of my flesh, accept celibacy, and surrender my life to the Divine Lover called God.

I have grown rapidly through this process. Every day, I sacrifice my desires out of respect for the Divine Order and to become a more perfect vessel for the Spirit of God. One might think this is just glorified repression and that I am harming myself. Yet, spiritual celibacy does not bring shame, but rather a gentle pride in knowing I am a living sacrifice for my True Love. I have come to accept my homosexual yearnings as something I never chose. Yet, I choose to ignore them out of reverence for my Creator.

We must understand that the discipline required for homosexuals is different from the discipline required of our heterosexual brethren. Given their function in the Divine Order, heterosexuals can harness their desires to prepare themselves for marriage, and then later channel their desires back into their union to strengthen their bond with their spouse. Homosexuals do not have that option. We can never act on our desires, pursue a relationship, or hope for an earthly lover, lest we want to bring disharmony into our lives. We cannot change our orientation as this is nearly impossible, nor can we force ourselves into marriage as this would be inauthentic and unfair to all involved parties.

To respect the wishes of our Creator, our only other option is to die to ourselves. We must turn our hearts and minds into sacrifices for the Most High, offering up our desires at every moment—with total acceptance and without shame—onto the pyre of our souls. God will accept our offerings of lust and ego, for it shows our humility and respect for the holy ways. As homosexuals, we must understand that celibacy is a gift that allows us to dedicate our entire lives to our vocations and to become one with God, who we should strive to see as our lover. In return, the God of Gods will bless us truly and help us navigate our lives to unforeseen heights.

Yet, this sacrifice is not easy. We are human, after all, and were biologically designed to crave love, affection, and intimacy. But homosexuals were not promised this in a sexual or romantic sense. Rather, our Most Perfect Lover awaits us in the next life, calling to us day and night, promising peace to our immortal souls. In the moments we are tempted and lust nips at our hearts, we must thank God for making humans so beautiful and handsome. Acknowledge that you find this beauty tempting, then guiltlessly place your desires up on the pyre and burn them for the divine master.

In this world of illusions and temptations, we must sacrifice our homosexuality and walk in grace, humility, and chastity. We must remain celibate for life until our day of repose arrives.

After all, what is a few decades or even a century in the eyes of eternity?

Like all immortal souls on this earth, regardless of orientation, homosexuals were chosen to reunite with God. Our sacrifice and surrender simply look different than much of the 96%. We must answer His call to divinity, sacrifice our earthly ways, and die to ourselves, patiently awaiting the day of unification with our All-Loving Groom.

Until then, may peace be with you.

1. This includes bisexuals who I’m lumping into the “homosexual” and “same-sex attracted” categories for the sake of brevity.

2. It should be noted here that homosexual desires are not the issue per se, but homosexual actions—word, thought (i.e., drawn-out fantasies), and deed.

3. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.